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Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

Stardust

Last night my friends and I watched Stardust while logged into Second Life. Its actually pretty easy to rent and watch movies in-world. Anyways there was a part about crossing a wall into this other world where fantasy is real and it really struck me hard that this other side was alot like going from the real world into Second Life.

Afterwards it was late and I needed to go to bed but I had a hard time sleeping. I lay there wishing I could stay in that other side where magic was real and love glows like a star. I tried to remind myself how silly it was to think that way, and duty to vows are reality like it or not but I suppose I am so fanciful that it didnt work.

I think mostly I am just a romantic type of person. The ending of Stardust was so sweet, two people who adore each other living together strong and joyful for all eternity. It embodies all I ever wanted for my own life and why couldnt it be that way? Shouldn’t two people be completely in love, never against one another? Ever facing the worlds troubles as a team? And not like the main character Tristan’s first crush, where the love means one person has to cross the world to bring a star to win the affections of the other…

All I ever wanted was unconditional, strong, unity, a true love.. but im stuck in reality.

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I feel so lost sometimes when I look out the window at the world that seems to be going by without me. It is not that I can’t walk outside, I often do, its a more of a mental feeling.

I feel trapped by the things that used to give me joy, because most of those things have changed. My three children are a handful but nothing is really wrong there other than being tired having to chase them. So I suspect its both the almost non existant money problem and the fact my husbands been disabled and not working for so long.

He has changed.. my husband was a happy, laughing, fun guy. We used to talk and smile all the time. He is very sick.. I know he can not help it. I feel terrible for him having to deal with it every day.  I do my best to make him happy.

His attitude about life is different.. he is obsessed with knowing where I am and what I am doing at all times. If I laugh at something he demands to know whats funny. If I am upset about something he barrages me with why until I want to tell him to back off. He wants me to go to him to comfort him for every small thing, and he complains about almost everything people do.

To be fair he does not constantly complain at me, he helps me with the kids and he does try to help out with the chores around the house. The good is there, but it is not close to the joyful man who used to be there.

All this is making me feel like my prayers are to weak to be heard. I do not feel lucky at all. It does not help that I can not just go spend time on myself for things like manicures and hair cuts. Im far to busy, and the money is needed for other things. I am a mother, a wife, and a caregiver, but my ‘self’ seems to be lost right now.

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