Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Ever feel alone despite being surrounded by people. Ever have someone you care about make comments that have you wondering if it is only you who really cares? I mean sure.. they are your friend and would never wish anything bad on you but you have a feeling that you would do more for them than they would ever do for you.

And you feel them pulling away and it kills you..

Then all life seems to offer is bleak repetitiveness.. over and over the same pain in your world and with your only relief pulling away you grasp for other things to try to make you happy. Then you start to wonder if your just a silly fool for placing all your hope for simple¬†joy into one person… your dear friend who.. perhaps does not hold you as dear. Cares but…

There is a place I have come to where many of the things that used to make me happy no longer do. The only thing thats kept me sane is a friendship and I feel like I am even losing that. I want to curl up and cry and I feel so weak.. I wont curl up and cry of course… but I wish I had the luxury.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I feel so lost sometimes when I look out the window at the world that seems to be going by without me. It is not that I can’t walk outside, I often do, its a more of a mental feeling.

I feel trapped by the things that used to give me joy, because most of those things have changed. My three children are a handful but nothing is really wrong there other than being tired having to chase them. So I suspect its both the almost non existant money problem and the fact my husbands been disabled and not working for so long.

He has changed.. my husband was a happy, laughing, fun guy. We used to talk and smile all the time. He is very sick.. I know he can not help it. I feel terrible for him having to deal with it every day.  I do my best to make him happy.

His attitude about life is different.. he is obsessed with knowing where I am and what I am doing at all times. If I laugh at something he demands to know whats funny. If I am upset about something he barrages me with why until I want to tell him to back off. He wants me to go to him to comfort him for every small thing, and he complains about almost everything people do.

To be fair he does not constantly complain at me, he helps me with the kids and he does try to help out with the chores around the house. The good is there, but it is not close to the joyful man who used to be there.

All this is making me feel like my prayers are to weak to be heard. I do not feel lucky at all. It does not help that I can not just go spend time on myself for things like manicures and hair cuts. Im far to busy, and the money is needed for other things. I am a mother, a wife, and a caregiver, but my ‘self’ seems to be lost right now.

Read Full Post »