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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

It has been a learning process and it has been difficult at times but I am proud to say it is day 5 of the accelerated 10 min trainer program. I have kept up with the 3 stack a day plan, except the yoga day.

Yesterday and today I  did 1 of the workouts in the morning. I think I feel better clarity when I exercise first thing in the morning. It’s too early to show any major changes but I certainly feel the effects.

The true challenge is in the jeans test. Are they still tight.. or do they slip on easy? I am waiting until friday to try on a pair I wore last fall again. They fit just right then but have since gotten tight over the holiday season.

The winter months are harsh on the body. Summer time allows me to get out and walk and take my kids to the park. But since late November I have not gotten out very much and that plus the holiday season took it’s toll. But it was super cute this morning to see my 2 year old daughter trying to work out like mommy does. I was jogging circles with her and she was giggling up a storm.

Anyways I think 10 min trainer is helping a lot so I am happy. I also am trying to watch my portions, although I am not drastically cutting calories, just trying to eat less junk. I got a tip from the John Tesh radio show about using smaller dinner plates to trick your mind into thinking you ate more. I was skeptical but it works!

Also I am not a huge fan of drinking water all the time so my soloution is 2 things.. home-made green tea with splenda sweetener, and the south beach diet protein waters to replace sodas. Well mostly… I crave a Diet Dr Pepper now and then so I indulge. But it is down to once every other day or less.

More comming soon! Actually less.. weight.. more.. me. 🙂

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My husband has bi-polar and has been increasingly difficult with his mood swing extremes from happy to jittery upset. So we have dealt with the worst of it the last two years in addition to his other health problems. He has a therapist now who hes been seeing about once a month, and we got into another major blow up recently so I decided to accept the invitation to accompany him to see how I could help him and in turn help myself.

I have started reacting to his angry spells in a very unhealthy and unusual way. Usually im so positive that I rarely get angry back, I drop things quick and move on. But lately, the last year or so increasingly, I have been noticing myself snap back more, and cry more, and get angry faster. I have felt the desire to run, escape, flee, and just get away from life as it is. But I will not abandon my family, and I will not take my kids from their father unless he did become abusive towards them.

So we went to therapy but I was nervous about this whole thing. I expected some sort of pep talk on things not to say or do to a bi-polar person but what happened was..

The therapist told my dh to stop being another child for me. That he needs to stop being a jerk to me and blaming it all on his bi-polar. To never put his hands on me to even shove me down. He said to dh that if this marriage is like an emotional bank and good times make deposits, these blow ups are major withdrawls and eventually if not stopped there will be nothing left but divorce papers and tears.

I was pretty floored but I felt like it hit home with how I have felt. I don’t like it when im constantly in a state of panic about if this or that will upset my adult husband. It’s still that way but we are working on fixes. What the therapist suggested is that he keep a daily journal about how he feels and since he is also diabetic, how his sugar affects his moods if at all. Also he HAS to tell me if hes starting to feel upset so we can try to avoid it becomming a big blow up issue, instead of keeping quiet then just going off.

Plus we now have the hell no rule, if he blows up and threaten to kill himself or puts his hands on me or goes off and wont stop, then he crosses the line and HAS to go to the hospital’s mental health ward.

All in all I think its a start. We go again in a couple of weeks.

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They say music is the heartbeat of life. In my case I found myself sad this morning and decided to browse youtube for some songs that really couple with how I feel right now. Two by Linkin Park popped into my head.

Sometimes I feel like people who are full of imagination and playfulness are suffocated in this world. Everyone keeps telling me that work and college and saving money, investing, and complete focus on my kids and husband are what a good wife and woman must do. Yes, to a certain degree you have to take responsibility for your life. Kids need to get outside and play and have a great time, but they need downtime where they can play on thier own too. Work is nessesary to pay the bills, and college will get a better salary, but I dont want to trudge to work from 9-5 every day, come home, cook dinner, tuck the kids in, and go to bed and repeat.

I want fun! I want to be able to play a little. I want to create great things and write stories and hang out with my friends. I want to have fun and not be scolded every time I goof off. I still get my bills paid.. I still get my kids out and have fun.. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT? I decided I really dont care anymore. Aside from going to college, which I am, to get a job that pays well enough that I only have to work part time, and I can keep my kids out of daycares. As well as trying to make compromises, many I don’t like, but for the sake of marriage and children. The rest of it I am tired of. I do not want to be like the world says I am “supposed” to be. I tried it, I already feel numb.

Anyways.. Here are the videos I found that really hit home right now.

and

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When I got married I never expected every day to be perfect. People sometimes disagree and even argue with one another. I knew my husband already had a health problem but I also felt with his positive attitude about life, that we could weather anything, and for a while we did.

About 7 years into the marriage things somehow began to get more difficult, and then a year and a half ago it began to really crumble. It basically hit bottom a few days ago so, I went to my moms for a long weekend with my three kids. Never before did I ever wish more that I could just be free of all the stupidity.  But I am not willing to give up.. and neither is he.. This is the very definition on the “worse” part of the vows of marriage.

I am heading back home tomorrow and I am praying for the arguments to stop. We both have agreed over the phone to make some changes. I have to admit it was my kids that kept me from just telling him to forget it. I never claimed to be perfect but the man is a difficult, much more down, and very unmotivated person with flares of unprovoked anger.

I feel like this is the last path available though. I am trying to be willing to comprimise without just becoming a “Stepford” wife to him. I feel like my “self” is totally being supressed and lost with 3 kids and a demanding husband.

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I feel so lost sometimes when I look out the window at the world that seems to be going by without me. It is not that I can’t walk outside, I often do, its a more of a mental feeling.

I feel trapped by the things that used to give me joy, because most of those things have changed. My three children are a handful but nothing is really wrong there other than being tired having to chase them. So I suspect its both the almost non existant money problem and the fact my husbands been disabled and not working for so long.

He has changed.. my husband was a happy, laughing, fun guy. We used to talk and smile all the time. He is very sick.. I know he can not help it. I feel terrible for him having to deal with it every day.  I do my best to make him happy.

His attitude about life is different.. he is obsessed with knowing where I am and what I am doing at all times. If I laugh at something he demands to know whats funny. If I am upset about something he barrages me with why until I want to tell him to back off. He wants me to go to him to comfort him for every small thing, and he complains about almost everything people do.

To be fair he does not constantly complain at me, he helps me with the kids and he does try to help out with the chores around the house. The good is there, but it is not close to the joyful man who used to be there.

All this is making me feel like my prayers are to weak to be heard. I do not feel lucky at all. It does not help that I can not just go spend time on myself for things like manicures and hair cuts. Im far to busy, and the money is needed for other things. I am a mother, a wife, and a caregiver, but my ‘self’ seems to be lost right now.

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