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Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

I feel a lot happier lately then I have been. I keep praying that this feeling lasts. Bad things are still going on in my life, always setbacks, always something to deal with. But I am attempting to focus on the things in my life that are good.

I am in week five of college and I have an A average in my first class. I feel like this is a big accomplishment. I find it SHOCKING that some of my classmates have a ‘whatever’ attitude. One of my classmates actually told me they don’t like the class so they aren’t trying to get a good grade. WHAT? That class cost $2200 us dollars, I cant see why anyone would not care.

My son has started second grade and seems to really be enjoying it. I bet that wont last but I will take that positive attitude as long as it lasts. :p He is such a smart kiddo, I am so proud of him. I still remember the day he was born. It was a scary, messy, beautiful day, I took him home on Valentines Day. My little valentine..

Money is practically non existent but I am rich in friendships for sure. I am making some friends now at the YMCA. I have tried to go three times a week to work out, get away from my constant sit down job at my computer. Of course I am still overjoyed at the friends I have found on Second Life as well.

I saw a post today on SL Exchange about someone asking what they can do about losing their life because they spent 8+ hours a day in SL, but make way to much money to stop. I do not get that mentality. Second Life is a virtual world its true but the money you make is real, and the people you meet are real. Other than getting fresh air and exercise there should be no reason to feel like SL is taking away your life. But then that’s just me..

Reality TV shows.. now those suck away your life…

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Ever feel alone despite being surrounded by people. Ever have someone you care about make comments that have you wondering if it is only you who really cares? I mean sure.. they are your friend and would never wish anything bad on you but you have a feeling that you would do more for them than they would ever do for you.

And you feel them pulling away and it kills you..

Then all life seems to offer is bleak repetitiveness.. over and over the same pain in your world and with your only relief pulling away you grasp for other things to try to make you happy. Then you start to wonder if your just a silly fool for placing all your hope for simple joy into one person… your dear friend who.. perhaps does not hold you as dear. Cares but…

There is a place I have come to where many of the things that used to make me happy no longer do. The only thing thats kept me sane is a friendship and I feel like I am even losing that. I want to curl up and cry and I feel so weak.. I wont curl up and cry of course… but I wish I had the luxury.

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In perspective…

Sometimes after you take a while to really think about whats bothering you and how to fix it your mind becomes clearer. Ok sure.. so things have not turned out just how I thought they would but that doesnt mean that everything was a waste.

Life is about learning by trying and usually failing, so that when we do get it right people are amazed. I really feel after thinking on it that no matter the trials ahead life WILL get better than its been. There will always be trials and tests to overcome, but it can be done.

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They say music is the heartbeat of life. In my case I found myself sad this morning and decided to browse youtube for some songs that really couple with how I feel right now. Two by Linkin Park popped into my head.

Sometimes I feel like people who are full of imagination and playfulness are suffocated in this world. Everyone keeps telling me that work and college and saving money, investing, and complete focus on my kids and husband are what a good wife and woman must do. Yes, to a certain degree you have to take responsibility for your life. Kids need to get outside and play and have a great time, but they need downtime where they can play on thier own too. Work is nessesary to pay the bills, and college will get a better salary, but I dont want to trudge to work from 9-5 every day, come home, cook dinner, tuck the kids in, and go to bed and repeat.

I want fun! I want to be able to play a little. I want to create great things and write stories and hang out with my friends. I want to have fun and not be scolded every time I goof off. I still get my bills paid.. I still get my kids out and have fun.. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT? I decided I really dont care anymore. Aside from going to college, which I am, to get a job that pays well enough that I only have to work part time, and I can keep my kids out of daycares. As well as trying to make compromises, many I don’t like, but for the sake of marriage and children. The rest of it I am tired of. I do not want to be like the world says I am “supposed” to be. I tried it, I already feel numb.

Anyways.. Here are the videos I found that really hit home right now.

and

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When I got married I never expected every day to be perfect. People sometimes disagree and even argue with one another. I knew my husband already had a health problem but I also felt with his positive attitude about life, that we could weather anything, and for a while we did.

About 7 years into the marriage things somehow began to get more difficult, and then a year and a half ago it began to really crumble. It basically hit bottom a few days ago so, I went to my moms for a long weekend with my three kids. Never before did I ever wish more that I could just be free of all the stupidity.  But I am not willing to give up.. and neither is he.. This is the very definition on the “worse” part of the vows of marriage.

I am heading back home tomorrow and I am praying for the arguments to stop. We both have agreed over the phone to make some changes. I have to admit it was my kids that kept me from just telling him to forget it. I never claimed to be perfect but the man is a difficult, much more down, and very unmotivated person with flares of unprovoked anger.

I feel like this is the last path available though. I am trying to be willing to comprimise without just becoming a “Stepford” wife to him. I feel like my “self” is totally being supressed and lost with 3 kids and a demanding husband.

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I came across an article recently talking about how the economy is affecting the average price of a wedding. Fair enough it certainly has affected it. However what really got me was the average price of most peoples wedding. They quoted a whopping $28,800 approximatley per wedding!

Yes it is supposed to be once in a lifetime and yes it would be so easy to spend that much on a wedding.. but it is for ONE day! For the same price people could buy a brand new car, or put a chunk of that on a downpayment for a house that will gain in value over the years. To me paying out extravangant prices for a wedding seems completely insane.

In my humble opinion you really only need close family and friends for the wedding, and a nice romantic honeymoon is where to spend the bulk of your wedding cash. then put the rest towards your future because that lasts much longer than one day.

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Women get this wonderful gift each month, some call it a period. Most men have now stopped reading this post.. so ladies… and you curious guys who remain you know what I mean by wonderful..ick. For the obvious reasons it is aweful to get.. and if guys are still reading this.. we DONT want it either ok? So stop with the dirty looks!

Why wonderful? It means no screaming babies in 9 months thats why! Especially if your not ready, or you already have your miracles from the joy of childbirth. (Haha! Who made that crap up Hallmark?) So at that point you are so happy to see red once a month. Especially if your late.. which I was this month and was like Oh my God.. I’ve only done it twice in the last month.. what the heck?

I feel better now… uggg…

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